"Goodbye to the nights we stood in random parking lots, asking each other what we should do time and time again and getting no where. To the days you and I spent driving around town, singing obnoxiously. The nights we spent dancing in the dark. Alcohol and the violent side effects, sharing the couch, cuddling on the floor, races to kb toys, crying to each other. Always making life plans together. In all honesty, this whole time, I thought everything was ok. And it hurts to be wrong. I don't know what else to do."
And I knew, only a few words into it, that I wrote it. And I know exactly what it's in reference to. It was December 31st, 2004. And whether I wanted to believe it or not, my life was changing. And a part of me, a bigger part, knows that it was for the better, but a small part of me sometimes still thinks it might have been for the worse.
I just want to make it public, Michele, that no matter what went on between us, I never stopped caring about you. Sure there were times when I would open my mouth and not the nicest words would spew from my lips. But I can't count how many times, even telling everyone else I didn't care and that I was fine, did I cry myself to sleep thinking of everything that was happening and knowing, for that time at least, you weren't around for me to share it all with.
We went through so much without each other. And maybe, well maybe that is actually for the best. I don't think we would have learned had we not had time apart. I still feel so much emotion just thinking about the last time you were here and how my heart was slowly breaking into pieces that could not be patched up, to see you lying in my bed, in a ball, crying out of pure and utter pain. Not some hurt, not some broken heart, but as if your life was ending because the person you loved and dedicated so much of your life to was so sick and in such a dangerous condition.
Still to this day, it gives me chills to think about every emotion I experienced during that month you were here. And when you left, I was so unstable. Because I felt like I needed to be there with you. I was so afraid you were going to fall apart; I was so afraid I was going to lose you.
And though, these days I know well enough not to blame Jonathan fully for our demise. I blame him solely for yours. And when I reread that passage, if you will, my heart started to sink. Because that was when everything started to disappear. It was in my grasp but it was slipping through my fingers.
The most important part here is that I think somehow I apologize. Because I know that I have done some things that I know hurt you, and I never meant for that to happen. And I did somethings that I am definitely not proud of.
No one is ever going to know what it's like, aside from you and I. No one is going to know the pain that exists when you think someone who you are so close with and someone you honestly and truly care about is deadly ill with some horrible, hated Cancer.
No one knows what it's like silently praying behind my monitor at work, tears streaming down my face not just for you, but for him too. Because as foolish as it is, I cared him. No one knows what it's like for you to spend the day curled up in bed, crying for the entirety of it. Screaming, and full of devastation. Only to find out so many months later that it was all a fucking ploy; a lie, some pathetic story to stop you from breaking up with him.
By the great will of G-d, I have forgiven him. And I believe you have, too. And I have no idea what has possessed me to prolong this portion of the overview. Maybe somewhere those emotions just remain tucked deep somewhere.
Maybe what I mean through all of this is, if we can make it through that, and all the disastrous bullshit that followed, well then, you and me, we're going to be ok.
I love you. But I'm sure you know that by now.
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