Livin' On A Prayer.

I think it's safe to finally conclude that a lifestyle change was not what was needed here in order to change me. Going from some kind of uplifting success, writing for dollars, lovers and friends, unbearable, however routine, pain to a mediocre life, cutting the cords of all my local friends, a mediocre job in which I constantly felt like nothing more than a bitch did absolutely nothing.

There are only so many steps you can take toward trying to conquer such an illness, only few steps until your feet are tired and your mind feels sore. Eventually, you just fall, fall to the ground and just completely fall apart. I've fallen apart, feel torn apart. My mind is disagreeing with my body. I need a break away from the break I'm taking from life, I mean, the life I'm living in order to take a break from the life I can't take part in right now.

I need my hospital bed with some amazing type of infusion treatment.

i just want to be better. that's pretty much it...

I stumbled upon the above just now, took a deep breath and contemplated how two months have changed me, but not enough to enter a state of indulgence. I like working at the Torah Day School. It's absolutely fulfilling. and the students are completely adorable. It seems that for the older girls, the fact that I am young and that I'm straight forward and anything but fake really makes them comfortable and able to be just as straight forward to me.

This woman, I guess you could call her the head of the English Arts department, really encourages the students to put their thoughts/feelings down on paper. so, almost daily, they will writer letters to the Rabbi or to their favorite teachers. and I've gotten a few from some of the different older girls over the past week or so that have just been so sweet and really, just touching. I love it. plus, the way is a lot better than when I was at the Salon. =] not that it matters too much.

It's almost been exactly one YEAR since Sami and I parted ways. And though this past year has been my hardest, I cannot express the freedom I feel without such a conniving, terrible person in my life. And though I don't regret having ever been friends with her, I almost wish I could have noticed all of this so much sooner. Because this year has been the closest to drama-free I've ever seen and I've been able to be more of myself and move forward. Not that I ever stopped being friends with Laura, but this year, we have spent almost every weekend together, which I'd never have done while friends with Sami given the absurd rivalry between the two due to Sami's stupidity. And having a person like Laura in my life verse someone as revolting as Sami just makes me appreciate and acknowledge the beauty in people.

I'm looking into different options when it comes to my health. It'll be probably a month, give or take some weeks, before I can get this ball rolling, but I'm a lot closer now than I was before which keeps me a bit more positive.

and now, I'm going to start working on sleep.