UGH!

Two snow days in a row and alllll I want to do is go to school!

Go away, winter.

Bad Company till the day I die.

It figures that yesterday my fabulous morning and up until late afternoon had to turn into somewhat of a disaster. Breaks were acting funny on my car as I was in traffic. Guy in front of me stopped quickly. I had to slam on the breaks three times and then push hit the emergency break. In the process, I'm pretty positive I broke my big toe and the top of my foot because I hit that break so hard.

I'm in paaaain today. I missed my seminar last night which I'm extremely disappointed about. Blah. It's just one bad day. Oh, well.

Tomorrow I have a lot of packing up to do in my room. I need to tackle that room first before I get to anything else. Realtor wants to make it looks like no one lives in this house so it will appeal to a buyer. Um, here's the thing woman, people DO live here, you crazy broad.

Well, Not much else to say. I'm gonna read through some of my text books and just have a nice Saturday night in, until SNL comes on and I get to spend some quality time with my boyfrans Bill Hader and Andy Samberg.

Have a wonderful night, bebe's.

Alright.

So I decided I'll starting putting a few words in this thing here and there.

Re-Post just to Re-Boast.

I have decided so many times since I got back from California that I would sit here and document everything like it was life-altering. However, whether it’s the lack of will, or the fact my feelings keep changing, I continue to disown the idea.

I’m curious as to how people who are supposed to be loving, kindhearted, there-for-you-throughout-everything type people can suddenly bury themselves into a tiny little hole they’ve purposely made for themselves and claim the busyness of every day life has gotten the best of them. Yet they can spend five hours a night, patrolling the “intraweb”, but can’t pick up a phone to ask, “you ok there?”

I have learned a lot of things in such a short amount of time; too much ridiculous information for one person’s brain to grasp at once. And I am trying so hard to differentiate the negative from the positive, to separate other people’s opinions and what, in fact, I am actually thinking, feeling in my heart. But it’s so damn hard.

Now YOU…you only promised me very few things these past few months, the months I’m really counting and holding onto (maybe with unintentional hope). Especially since February, everything seemed so rock solid. So in touch with getting your feelings through to me, so ready and able to appreciate my “being there for you” and attempting your hardest from your position to show just how much it meant. And you stated, from “the bottom of your heart” and from the stern and stable vibrations of your vocal cords to the ringing in my ears that:
-Everything would be ok.
-You would never lie to me.
-Under NO condition would you ever hurt me, “ever”.
-You would always be there, even if you couldn’t be “here”.
-and You would never disappear on me.

I was holding up five fingers when the preceding was first stated. And now, only half of one is standing, border lining a vertical stance with pride, or nail digging into my bleeding fist. I’ll clench and grind my teeth while you hide it out, wait it out. But I’m not going to lie and deny the fact that my insides are shaking and I’m counting every single second because I know you far too well by now and to be honest, this is scaring the hell out of me.

Take a deep breath. I say that to myself as I whisper it to you hoping you will swallow hard and allow me to shoot all five fingers back up in the air with strength and vindication. Don’t go back on your word and please, whatever you do, don’t prove this doubt right. I know you better than that. You’re better than that. And you know it. I promise you do.

Here we go again on our own.

My mind feels drunk, though I’m nothing short but sober. Everything is moving so quickly, and for once, in the right direction. Whether I want it to or not. I can no longer drag my heels. This is all for the best. “Time away”, I’ll say. “Time for me to get my head together. Time for me to take that vacation I’m always talking about. Time for me to spend my days with a professional. And my night at the gym. Time to get back to old school keeping in touch with letters and phone calls. “This is all for the best,” I say, hoping that I mean it. And it is. It really is. Just cross your fingers for me. As I’ll need your prayers now more than I’ve ever needed them before.

Sleeping Sickness.

Watched the movie “The Quiet” on Sleuth tonight. I can imagine it was definitely a bit edited, seeing as how it was on TV; Cable, but TV nonetheless. And I don’t even want to know what I missed because it was so mind blowing-ly [yes, I just made that up] fucked up.

I just want to personally note that my anxiety is out of control, like bonkers, fool. I’m so ridiculously scared of everything right now. Like a paranoid frenzy. It’s not a fun trip.

Aside from my escapade last April, I have technically not hit up an Emergency hospital since I “legally died” on the “operating table” in 2007. However, in one month I have managed to find myself going through those huge doors twice. Hats off to you, Centennial Medical Centre for admitting me within FIVE minutes both times and this last time, taking one look at my ankle and giving me Vicodin, STAT. You know what you’re doing. And thanks for billing so promptly to my no insurance ass. I will be sure to forward both bills to our astounding American President Obama, as I have such faith in his health care system and I mean, that’s what he’s there for, right?

Now, G-d, take my writers block so I can score big with a publisher who can read my novel and make sense of it. Because as far as right now goes, it’s a bigger hot mess than Ms. Lindsay Lohan herself.

Now, I shall attempt to download The Lovely Bones and cross my fingers that I’m not disappointed by the film version of this bizarre, yet completely interesting, attention keeping classic.

Online Songs.

"Happy," I muttered, trying to pin the word down. But it is one of those words, like Love, that I have never quite understood. Most people who deal in words don't have much faith in them and I am no exception- especially the big ones like Happy and Love and Honest and Strong. They are too elusive and far too relative when you compare them to sharp, mean little words like Punk and Cheap and Phony. I feel at home with these because they're scrawny and easy to pin, but the big ones are tough and it takes either a priest or a fool to use them with any confidence.